On Feeling Held Back

What holds me back in the service of God? The yolk of modern western life, a life seemingly free, a life bent on economic wealth and comfort, a life filled with distraction. Like any other age? Of course, we are no more special. Still, having wars fought in other lands, people starving in other regions, the paramount importance of entertainment (our heroes now from film and music), makes me want to cut through the layers of fat, as it were, to get to the meat of my question: what holds me back?

I know it's fear and doubt. In the service of God i know comfort, but i know fear and doubt, too. I try to let it go and sometimes i am light, cheerful, unburdened, but the weight comes back, often suddenly, more often creeping in slowly like a thief in the night.

Grace is here. Encouragement is here. Support is here. All i shall ever need is here for me, yet i resist. There is pain and suffering all around. Modern Valhalla? There is misery at our own doorstep, yet we are trained to see only that suffering on the other side of the planet. The State shall provide, that 's why taxes are paid, i hear so often. And the casualties of stress, perceived failure, substance abuse, debt and ego (full Selfishness)? Silently they suffer, as if it's part of life.
However, when i help others, when i commit myself to the service of others (in my line of work at a hospital this is daily) i truly reap what i sow. I offer support and encouragement, listening, sitting with those who suffer. Then i am closer to God. Fear vanishes. Doubt vanishes. Any confusion i had vanishes in the attention i give to another. How can i know it at one moment, yet find myself so burdened, listless and hesitant the next?

Vigilance, earnestness, perseverance, each day renewing promises and oaths, each moment aware of God's presence in my life, all our lives, seeing Him, acknowledging Him through prayer and thanks. Thus, the modern world's distractions become like rainclouds; interesting weather that might require a hat, but not tears. And the timeless cycle of mortal sufferings? Jesus had an answer for that too.

Oremus:
I pray for all of us who feel held back in their service of God, that we stop and consider what it is that holds us back and do something about it. I pray for the will, strength and motivation to reflect deeply on our personal obstacles. I pray that the Holy Ghost may inspire us in removing these hindrances. Today mine is a prayer of thanks. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Anger Now?

Whoever says he is in the light,
yet hates his brother, is still in the darkness.
Whoever loves his brother remains in the light,
and there is nothing in him to cause a fall.
Whoever hates his brother is in darkness;
he walks in darkness
and does not know where he is going
because the darkness has blinded his eyes (1 Jn 2:9-11)

Hate blinds. In hatred horrible acts are done to fellow humans, animals and Creation. I would like to round off this year by proclaiming Light and Love, yet i am often angry. Sometimes it surprises me, catches me off-guard. For instance, i see in the news that people (young men) attack ambulance, police and fire department personnel when they are busy trying to save lives. Attack these dedicated professionals? I just don't get it. The police carry arms so i'm surprised that a bullet in the leg wont solve the problem: it never does, only stoking the fires. Nurses under attack? There is enough insanity in the world not to have this behaviour dumped on top, me thinks in anger.

There it is. Anger. And i catch myself considering capital punishment, or at least a very good thrashing, publicly, teaching a lesson to his friends that encouraged him, his family that failed to teach him right and wrong, to a society that stands idle as its members behave like animals. And in my rage, i am no better. The only lesson taught by violence is violence and fear. Jesus instructed to forgive, understand and use peaceful means, regardless of the cost. It cost him his life, but even then we are taught not to fear or abandon the hope that we too, can live just as he lived. As John says in this very same letter: Whoever says, "I know him," but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him (1 Jn 2:4). I recognise my anger and am shamed. I know better. Yet, from where does this anger come?

Fear, self-doubt, self-loathing and disappointment ... these are all fertile emotional sewers for anger and loss of control. Awareness of anger is the first and most important step. Only when anger is recognised is there a chance that it can be nipped at the bud, named, its true face seen, greeted and dismissed. John tells us that we must love our brother to remain in the light and avoid darkness. As this year ends, i still have a lot to learn and practise, if God will be my guide.

Oremus:
I pray for less anger and more compassion, less violence and more caring. I pray that those who are caught up in anger can be gently and firmly re-minded, for they are not themselves. I pray that those who notice their anger rising can be aware of the fiery passion that does such great harm to all including the owner and in awareness can release it like a great exhalation into the ether. I pray that those who have offered themselves to helping their brothers and sisters can do so safely and appreciatively. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Christmas: Heaven on Earth

O Christian, remember your dignity, and now that you share in God’s own nature, do not return by sin to your former base condition. Bear in mind who is your head and of whose body you are a member. Do not forget that you have been rescued from the power of darkness and brought into the light of God’s kingdom. (St. Leo the Great)

In the tender compassion of our God
the dawn from on high shall break upon us,
to shine on those who dwell in darkness and the shadow of death,
and to guide our feet into the way of peace. (Lk 1:78-79)

Today John talks of Light entering the world through the Word made flesh. As a man, God shows us how to live a life of peace and love. And me, standing off to the side of these great events, separated by centuries, separated by doubt, fear and weakness, do i recognise the voice calling me home? I suspect the truth of it, as St. Leo states, sharing in God's own nature. Consciousness is a gift, a singularity on this world that i seem to waste through distractions. Yet, at in rare moments of lucid calmness, when awareness of life floods me, there is light and love, a logic that resonates and a certainty that 'all is as it should be'. Fear melts. Doubt never was. There is a powerful focus and a lightness which puts me at ease. I return the smile. I know.

And then it is gone, the calmness and awareness, the certainty and effortless smile. I do not call it 'sin', rather, distraction; not a Fall, rather a stumble ... often with a painfully stubbed toe.

John tells us that grace and truth come from the Christ. It is now dawn, Christmas morning. Today i shall celebrate the birth of the Christ. Today is as good a day as any other to use the Saviour's loving grace to maintain my balance here on Earth. To be aware of Light's presence. To be conscious of each and every step on the way to peace. To not forget my duty to be fully human, sharing in God's own nature. It is as simple as Jesus demonstrated in utter humbleness, servant of servants, poor, meek and filled with life even in death. I renew my bond with you, again and again and again, praying that each time i stumble for whatever reason, my contrition and the grace of God can guide me back out of the shadows and darkness in the Light of eternal caritas.

Oremus:
I pray for all those who are lost in survival, lost in self-preservation and lost to materialism, that they might stop for a moment and see beyond their truth to the expanse of a greater Truth that embraces life. I pray that there will be Light to lead us up out of our cave. And i pray for the determination against fear and clearness of mind against doubt to keep us from crawling back in. I pray that humanity can help each other sustain the Lord's love and grace among ourselves and truly make Heaven on Earth. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Church Matters

Why the Church now? When it seems to be falling apart, huge numbers losing faith and walking away. When the news and discussions seem only to be negative, condemning and petty that such a great monster of an institution is on the brink of collapse: it serves them right, many seem to say. My, have the mighty fallen ... all the dark secrets come spilling out. It's a big fight at the family table.

Mea culpa. A confession is always good, never easy. Huge human institutions become corrupt for that is in their nature: power, wealth, status. We were warned of these temptations by the very Son of Man who came to free us of them. All great civilisations have had their demise: Egypt, Rome, Byzantium. Some are still buried in the dust. Others are backdrops to modern living, their memory stirring pride and nationalism, separateness and exclusion. Do we expect our modern civilisations to last forever? They will not, as that is the nature of the universe as reflected in the life of man. However, the knowledge that God is always with us, shall always love us and can always remind us of what true humanity is, this is eternal, even in forgetfulness. Whatever happens politically or economically or environmentally affects us. To some extend we have control. But this is not important. These human activities of survival and growth may be necessary or seen as essential, but they have historically failed to be the Truth behind 'love God and love thy neighbour'. While the latest empires rise, so too shall people suffer. Only when these people are cared for can we become who we truly are, selfless, the image of a god who showed us his face on Earth, the King and Saviour who washed his friends' feet, students of the Teacher who gave up his life to show us not to fear death and not to fear the politics that might put us to death.

Be love. The greatest challenge i shall ever face. Why the Church now? Even in what may seem to be its darkest hour, it still teaches me how to love my brother, how to forgive, how to accept grace, how to collaborate on revision and how to bless that which is imperfect. We come together in His name, not for any worldly pleasure. This reminds me why life is so precious and how i can truly live it.

Oremus:
I pray for the Church, ecclesia, for all those people who together make up 'church'. Let us listen in stillness to His voice. Let us know without a shadow of doubt what He is advising each one of us to do. Let us be strong enough to drop the loads we already bear, the self-interest and fear, to boldly face the tasks necessary for us. Let us get closer to Him. Let us learn to let the cycles of life, the birth, growth and death of all earthbound things, turn on and on and on, that we may be unaffected and stand in the Light of peace and eternal love. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Humility versus Pride

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am meek and humble of heart;
and you will find rest for yourselves (Mt 11:29)

Abandon pride. Sound advice if ever I've heard it. The funny thing is that we don't do it. Sounds good, but not for me, me thinks. Ego talks us out of it: Are you crazy?! We've worked so hard to get this far! What will the neighbours think! And so forth and so on, ego leads us down the well trodden paths of kings, rulers and great men who have made the world a better place ... no? We have such a high standard of living in the West due to great individuals. Individuality is stressed, while conformity often is seen as a disease to be cured.

In who's reality do we choose to live? Which truth becomes our own Truth by which we make our choices and shape our lives? Total independence is an illusion: we need other people, just as they need us. Thus we all have yokes to bear: responsibilities, commitments, basic requirements. But through our free will, which yoke shall we take up and which life shall we live?

I came across an inspirational answer from 'Godzdogz', an internet-based project of the student-brothers of the English Dominican Province:
... in humility, we find peace and rest. In my experience most people intuitively grasp this point from their own experience. One of the things we notice when we reflect upon the stresses and anxieties of our life is that often, not always but often, the root cause of our distress is that we are trying to be something that we are not.
Humility, then, is the recognition and acceptance of the truth of who we are, and the recognition and acceptance of the truth of our relationship with God. The opposite of humility, Pride, must therefore be a rejection of this truth. Pride is fundamentally an attempt to live independently from God, an attempt to live by our own strength. Often Pride is driven by fear, a fear of taking a risk, a fear of becoming a disciple of Christ. (Godzdogz)

Oremus:
I pray for the strength of will to let go and trust in a meek and humble heart. I pray for those who live this way too, who demonstrate the worthiness of this way of life. I pray that all touch that still place in their hearts and minds, recognise it and never forget it, that it be a beacon in moments of darkness, doubt and fear. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Sound Foundations

Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the Kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven (Mt 7:21)

Am i a wise man or a fool? Is my home built on rock or sand? Can it withstand the storms of life?
So far so good, i might say. My house still stands. I survive.
But like it or not, storms shall come. This i know. For these trials i prepare, but will it be enough?
It is arrogance that reminds me no amount of wealth, power, status or breeding can protect me from life's storms of setbacks, tragedies, grief and sorrow.
Yet, a cautious life cannot prevent storms; it may prevent neighbours from knocking down walls, but not storms.
An inconspicuous life cannot prevent storms; fires might take down other, larger houses, but great storms cannot be avoided.
A halfhearted, uncommitted, weak willed life cannot prevent storms; i might escape them or pretend them away, but i cannot run from suffering forever.

But is it a cave in which i live? Or an inviting house full of life and love?
Am i a wise man who has built on rock, or the fool who has built on sand?
Time will tell, but with the wisdom and faith in Christ's message i can examine my foundations and strengthen them need be. I will find myself in storms, yet even then i shall always have shelter.

Oremus:
I pray that all might find shelter from suffering, taking the time to build on foundations of rock and help others to build likewise. I pray that through Christ's example we might weather storm after storm. Amen.

Deo gratias.

In Emptiness Be Filled

Lord, I am not worthy to have you enter under my roof; only say the word and my servant will be healed. (Mt 8:8)

This confession and request of a Roman centurion we speak at every mass before taking communion. Not only those dependent on us, but ourselves included. Oh, that i had such unshakable faith! I remember my time in the military, when one did what one was ordered to do. No room for discussion, even if there was plenty of grumbling. But if the order came from the Creator, Life-giver, Universal King, Love itself? Why would i not do as commanded? Why would i grumble? Is there anything asked of me that i am not able to do? God is not telling me to dig a latrine ... He is telling me to love Love and love all mankind. And yet, i find myself unworthy because of the Self that says 'no, that's not in our own interest'. The ego that whispers 'Are you crazy? You've worked so hard to get where you are and now you what to give it up? And what about all those dependent on you? Are you going to disappoint them? Abandon them? That's not love! Better not even think of changing the recipe! You know better!'

Zen Buddhist teaching stresses 'emptiness'. Quite simply, if ones cup is full, there is no room for anything else. In this case, the cup (or chalice) is full of ego. If our mind is full of its Self, then there is no room for caring, no room to respond adequately to the problems of other's around us. Like the Roman officer, if we care about those with whom we are charged to protect, our own chalice cannot be full. When our own chalice is empty we can fill it again and again and again and thus be present for many of those around us. Be empty. Be filled.

O my God, Trinity whom i adore, help me forget myself entirely so to establish myself in you, unmovable and peaceful as if my soul were already in eternity. May nothing be able to trouble my peace or make me leave you, O my unchanging God, but may each minute bring me more deeply into your mystery! Grant my soul peace. Make it your heaven, your beloved dwelling and the place of your rest. May i never abandon you there, but may I be there, whole and entire, completely vigilant in my faith, entirely adoring, and wholly given over to your creative action. (Prayer of Blessed Elizabeth of the Trinity)

Oremus:
I pray the prayer of the Blessed Elizabeth, that i can forget myself entirely and let you fill me with peace. I pray for the resolution and vigilance to never abandon you that i too, may share in your creative action for the benefit of my brothers and sisters and this glorious world. Amen

Deo gratias.

Be Vigilant

Be vigilant at all times (Lk 21:36).

Sound advice. Buddha gave the same advice on ethical conduct in the Eightfold Path, right speech, right action or conduct and right livelihood. These prescribed behaviours are meant to reinforce our intent and fortify our motivation. It's common sense, actually. Lying and swearing and inflating our ego with words can only weaken ones resolve to be mindful. Being a prostitute of whatever trade is daily distraction from our intent on inner peace. And causing violence, acting selfish or behaving in a way as to distract others from a righteous life hurts ones own progress. How many times a day do i catch myself speaking out of line or hindering others because of my own selfish actions?


Beware that your hearts do not become drowsy from carousing and drunkenness and the anxieties of daily life, and that day catch you by surprise like a trap (Lk 21:34-35)

Christ gives us advice. It is up to us to act upon it. He knows how the mind wanders, temptations abound and our vigilance can slacken. We are easily distracted but all the lights and sounds and sensations of the world: we choose to follow easier paths, take the advice from those we think have an easier life, forget the anguish and pain we have survived only to repeat it again and again and again. Indeed, our hearts and minds do become drowsy from daily life.

Be vigilant at all times. If i am mindful of my words, thoughts and actions i can choose what to do and what not to do. My motives for acting can become clearer. The mind, however, does not stop. It reacts to everything, ever sensation, ever movement, ever emotion that floods the body, a constant play of cause and effect. Some call it 'the monkey mind'. When trying to focus in prayer or meditation, notice how often the mind wanders. Vigilance. I like that word, especially because it reminds me why i must be vigilant:

...pray that you have the strength to escape the tribulations that are imminent and to stand before the Son of Man (Lk 21:36).

Oremus:
I pray that we have vigilance in our thoughts, words and actions so that we may better honour Christ and our neighbour with our love. I pray too, that if i catch myself having stumbled, that i correct the error, gently forgive and be wary not to repeat it. Ever vigilant to the faith we have in God's grace. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Sunday Grace Everyday

Taking Advent seriously? I read the quotation below and it helped soothe gnawing doubts. A light shined. "Yes", i said and so would like to share it:

... a reporter asked me what I would say to Catholics who do not attend Mass because they disagree with, or have questions about, Church teaching. I answered that our teaching does not change because people disagree with it; our faith comes from Christ’s own teaching in the Scriptures and through the teaching authority of the Church throughout the ages. We recognise, however, that many struggle to reconcile Church teaching with social norms in American [Western] society today; to them, we say that we want to engage in a meaningful conversation with you. We want you to know that you are part of our family. We want to assure you that God loves you and waits for you at Sunday Mass. The best place to begin a conversation is by gathering with the family of believers in the worshipping community.
To those who consider themselves unwelcome at Mass because of some irregularity or moral struggle, please know that you are always loved by God and the Catholic community desires your presence with us. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ. An inability to fulfil all aspects of Christian worship or to receive Communion should not keep you from Mass. In fact, the habit of being faithful to the Sunday obligation can provide the actual grace, if you cooperate with it, to give you the strength to overcome current obstacles and find paths of reconciliation. We stand ready to help you.” (Boston’s Cardinal Sean O’Malley, to Catholics who no longer go to Mass)

Oremus:
I pray for the resolution to offer thanks as often as possible, moment to moment. Thanks, not because the world is suddenly kind and life and pleasant, not trying to disguise disappointments, anger and frustration. I pray for a steadfast gratefulness for Christ's Love, presence and grace. I pray that all mankind may know peace of mind in whatever the weather of daily life, through Him and in Him and with Him. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Fear Binds, Cripples, Enslaves and Kills

And then sometimes i come to a stand-still. On the celebration of Christ King we are reminded of the history of humanity, ruled by the most powerful with a heavy, merciless hand and laws based on one man's whim. The True king shows us otherwise. If we truly call Christ our Lord, then like him we will feed the hungry, give water to those that thirst, clothe the naked, visit the sick and imprisoned, essentially be there for those in need of comfort and aid. Love.

Am i present for those who are in need of comfort and aid? There are degrees, i tell myself. Paying taxes, voting for social systems, perhaps even dropping a coin in a beggar's hat or taking on a new career that involves less profit and more human aid. Is that enough? Giving up some free time to volunteer, praying, meditating, attending mass more often, curbing vice so as to limit sin, being mindful of thoughts and speech and actions, these actions might help us grow, but is that enough? The poor woman who offers her two coins has offered more than all the rest, says Jesus, because from her poverty she has offered her whole livelihood. I go to bed at night knowing that millions starve, millions sleep exposed to the elements, the ill and dying go unattended, violence escalates, and then i wake up the next morning to start my day anew.

There is an insanity to it all. And fear roots me to my safe patterns of life, unwilling to rock the boat too much. Am i afraid? Am i willing to give up my life to dedicate my Self to another's life? Am i willing to follow the king Christ and not the commands of earthly kings bent on maintaining their own power, wealth, status and lineage? Letting go of the Self is the hardest thing: ego, that built-in tool of separation, individuality, pride and utter selfishness (the Self being the centre of the universe). Ignoring the fear it uses for self-preservation seems mad. Almost all saints and holy men i can think of have just let go and trusted enough in Christ to forge a new world that cares.

These days before Advent humble me. Indeed, they scare me a bit. There is discomfort and conflicts of interest between my ego and the Holy Ghost. "Are you crazy!? You have to take care of yourself!" says the one. The other says, "Let go. Trust me. I will always be there for you." I can choose to ignore these feelings and loose myself in Me, my life, my routines, in me, me, me. But that is not what a humble servant of one's lord is expected to do. It is my choice and i know i don't want to choose fear: get behind me Satan!

Oremus:
I pray for the hungry, thirsty, naked, ill and imprisoned, that they not be judged, but be attended to by loving hands and loving minds filled with the grace and wisdom of men and women who put their own needs last and who trust enough in the Holy Ghost to know that the Lord puts their needs first. I pray too, that i may join their ranks in service to Christ King. Amen

Deo gratias.

Abandon Thy Self!

My Lord and my God, take from me everything that distances me from you,
My Lord and my God, give me everything that brings me closer to you,
My Lord and my God, detach me from myself to give my all to you. (St. Nicholas of Flue)

Again i seem to be reminded of ego's deception by which it means to keep me fearful and cowering in the perceived safety of my warm and pleasant life. So many years, indeed a whole life, spent on grooming that person who is me. Change? Very much like a massive civil bureaucracy, change can only happen slowly, if at all. Change must fit into existing patterns of self-interest and self-survival. No risks are taken that might cause any permanent damage or upset the facade.

Ego means well.

But in the long run ego is tied to the material world which is born and dies, which suffers all hardships and lustily pursues all pleasures. The Kingdom of Heaven and one's neighbours have little use for those pursuing self-interest. This limited and meanly served love is not the Love that God is and shares with us. There is no grace and forgiveness pouring from the ego, who prefers to lick its wounds and seek comfort in familiar words, persons, substances and environments.

Let go!

Detach me from my Self is a prayer of purposeful hope. Of course we have to do the work of change through personal choices. Ignorance is not bliss. Once we see how ego shapes, controls and limits us, we can start to observe its methods. Know thy enemy, not to destroy him, but to understand him and Love him as Christ instructed. There is nothing to fear, but fear itself. Cliches. Yet, by having insight into one's own Self, one can begin to use reason above ego's routine responses. One can earnestly and purposefully, with determination and compassion for Self, abandon habits and patterns of behaviour which limit. Freedom has to be fought for with untiring vigilance and duty. Hard work? The hardest battle we shall ever fight. However, we are never alone and the rewards are great. I know in my heart that this battle for freedom from Self is the only activity in life worth pursuing simply because it will shape the person i am and choose to be, servant of Love, friend full of grace and forgiveness and unconditional compassion to all mankind. My Lord and my God, by giving my all to you, in my emptiness, my cup shall overflow.

Oremus:
I pray that my all may flow to you, My Lord and my God. I pray to i can be closer to you, brought out of the darkness that is fear, that is doubt. I pray that i shall see our separation as the lie it is and stand in your Light. I prayer that i may do this for your sake and for all those i meet and greet on the path of the Kingdom of God. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Lord, Please let me see

Lord, please let me see. (Lk 18:41)

A blind man knows what he wants from God. Anyone who is suffering would ask to be relieved of bodily infirmaries. It's so easy to forget a handicap when we are healthy. Then a bad cold, fever, a fall or food poisoning and suddenly our day looks very different. Patients with chronic depression beg for an end to their unbearable life. Happiness? How long are we willing and able to suffer?

What would i ask if i were that man on the side of the road as Jesus passed? A happy man might have nothing to ask, too proud, too busy, a happy man would not be on the side of the road begging all day, right? Yet, that is an assumption. 'Happiness' in today's society seems to have become a great lottery ticket; if my number's called i'll be happy for life. If i only had my health, then i'd be happy. If only i had enough money, then i'd be happier. Are you as happy as i am in this relationship? Society seems to judge itself on the level of its own happiness, even if happiness is subjective.
Rather, happiness is in the details, me thinks, just as God is supposed to be in the details (an architect's saying). Food, water, a good bowel movement, sun in the sky ... i can make a list of criteria that might make up a 'good' day, yet even then, my mood could undermine it all. Those last three pedestrians put nothing in my bowel and i'm sure one of them looked at me with contempt! says the blind man. If my happiness is dependant on so many external and internal factors, what are the odds that i'll ever be happy?

Jesus tells the man that his faith has saved him. With restored sight, will his life be happy? Ten years later, twenty years, will he still think of himself as a happy man? I hope so. Faith in Love can be present in each moment, correcting negative thoughts, ignoring insults, enjoying either sunshine or rain, being humble in work and fair in the dealings with other less scrupulous men. What would i ask to the passing Christ? What is that one glaring obstacle to my leading a holy life? On that, i shall meditate. But in the meantime, call out for the Lord. Keep calling, even if others will have you silent. Keep calling because that is faith. And when the Lord asks "What do you want me to do for you?" i can at least ask for his blessing and thank him, again and again and again.

Oremus:
I would like to pray for those who don't think themselves to be happy, who claim never to have known happiness and who might even wish for an end to their unbearable lives. I pray they might awaken to find peace and light in their day, space for faith to grow and an awareness of other men and women around them. Amen.

Deo gratias.

On Wisdom, Buddha and God

The readings this week from the Book of Wisdom and 1 Thessalonians remind me of the first two 'steps' on Buddha's Eightfold Path: Right View and Right Intention.

For they search busily among his works, but are distracted by what they see, because the things seen are fair (Wis 13:7).

When people are saying, "Peace and security, " then sudden disaster comes upon them, like labor pains upon a pregnant woman, and they will not escape (1Thes 5:3).

The material world is full of stupendous wonders, both pleasant and unpleasant. It's easy to imagine that mankind first worshipped in ignorance the sun, trees, winds, blood and powerful men. In a mind without wisdom, basic survival is instinct. Food, shelter, safety for family and health, the world in which we live is both life-giver and enemy. There are no material guarantees. Though men strive for a 'good life', wise men saw a continuous cycle of suffering. Comfort is temporary. Power wanes. Riches can be lost or stolen. Youth becomes old. The living perish through disease, accident, age and war. All of mankind's worldly efforts turn to dust at some point. Clinging relentlessly to pleasure, hoping for only personal wealth and comfort, seems foolish. Living a life in fear of loss and pain and suffering seems to be just as foolish. They are distractions.

Distractions from what? From Truth. From a Reality in which Love exists in each human being, able to be shared, given selflessly, a safe haven from the storms of this life, a magnificent temple reflecting the stupendous wonders of this life on Earth. Israel had found shelter, but seemed to get lost once again. Christ came to free all nations, to light their path and give peace of mind.

Wisdom is the key, the thinking mind able to choose its own path. Right Intent or Right Thought is choosing Love. Making an earnest resolution to choose for a new way of life. Christ did not end the natural world's laws over us. We still have toothaches. Pain still hurts. But with our own choices we can actively choose to avoid distractions that keep us in fear and sensual abandonment. With peace of mind, we are able to help ourselves to help others. Staying 'alert and sober' is Saint Paul's advice to the Thessalonians. Even though that little, fearful ego might resist any effort to change, each person has to choose. Laziness or stress or doubt can make one less alert. Drugs or inbalance will addle the mind's ability to make wise choices. Each individual has to act if we hope to change its Self and the world. Do we choose to be children of the Light? Jesus invites us to try. The Holy Ghost draws us to its true home. We are not alone in our earnest efforts, as the long line of saints do profess. Choosing faith in a loving God full of grace, a councillor, prince, teacher and friend to us, this is nothing more than the first step to enlightenment.

Oremus:
I offer a prayer to all who choose to settle their busy minds and open their hearts to Love. Be at ease and rest in the haven that is the Lord. May their wisdom grow. May they choose new directions with resolve. May they know peace. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Where Vultures Gather

What is life? That is today's query. Eating, drinking, buying, selling, planting, building, we are busy beavers feeding our bellies and seeking shelter from the perceived cruelties of Nature. Hunger, disease, pain, Buddha described the harshness of life as dukkha. Suffering. Who wants to suffer? Is life all about suffering? Is life all about the pursuit of happiness, running in the opposite direction of suffering? This was Buddha's first lesson, namely that life is suffering.

Buddha's teaching of the the Turning of the First Wheel continued: Life is suffering, but there is a cause to this suffering. And that there is a way out of this suffering. The Buddha's prescription to aid us, is meditation and a moral code. So too, Jesus is telling me the same thing. We scramble and search for a way out, but there is none. Sorry folks, but life is suffering ... if one is bound as a victim to Earthy cause and affect. A fall on one's nose hurts. It's supposed to hurt because we have nerves that let the brain know the body has fallen. Snow is cold. Hunger is uncomfortable. Anger flushes the skin and can literally blind us with rage. All the workings of the body. Yet we have a mind and reason, too! Wisdom can allow us to see life through the eyes of God.
Though the world around us be destroyed, as Jesus describes, we don't have to be carried away to rune. If our faith is strong, we can be aware of another reality, a True Reality separate from the itchy, scratchy, painful, uncomfortable life of material suffering, or the lusty, luxurious, intoxicating, recreating, comfortable life of material pleasure. They do exist. However, if we are bound by their distractions we will suffer daily until our end.

A way out? Know that we are eternally with God, bound only to Him and let the universe turn as it should. We are not attached to the rising and falling of the sun, but rather simply welcome it. We are not attached to the cold rains, but rather welcome them too, as part of God's wondrous creation on Earth. And when we are not attached to the workings of cause and affect, we are free. When we can always stand with two feet on the ground, we are not lost in Self-servitude, but be present for others. Love God. Love our neighbours. Fully present with open hands. Fully present for God and the Holy Ghost in us.

Jesus says, Where the body is, there also the vultures will gather (Lk 17:37). Give to Caesar what is Caesar's, me thinks: What is of this Earth, shall always be of this Earth. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, that is the way of life on Earth, that is the natural way of all matter on Earth. Give the vultures their due, because this is not Truly who you are. Tied to God, the Holy Ghost is of God and cannot suffer. But distracted, our minds can cloud this Truth with eating, drinking, buying, selling, planting and building. Lost in material life, we suffer. Standing in the Truth of God, we still may suffer, but it will be tolerable because of Love. Rest there, in Love, and be at peace.

Oremus:
I would like to pray to Saint Martin. He is famous for clothing a poor traveler. Running from discomfort, clinging to comfort, perhaps against 'his better reason' and let go. A fine cloak on a cold, wet day fits the bill. Saint Martin understood that putting a fellow man's needs before his own broke the chains of his clinging to comfort and his aversion to discomfort by allowing him to be God's Love. Do i really need all the material wealth i have busily accumulated to ensure my comfort? Martin knew there were no such assurances, only the reality of a cold, naked beggar on a road. And the reality that he could choose to do something about it. We remember him for giving, for putting other's before his own need. May we too, be able to free ourselves from the clinging needs we think as an accepted truth and reach out for that greater Truth that is Love. Amen.

Deo gratias.

The Kingdom Now

Jesus tells us that the Kingdom of God is among us.
This is a new kind of kingdom, one in which we all have membership. This Kingdom is as rich as we are, as poor as we are, as joyful, as hateful, as generous or as mean. We reflect it. We magnify it. And so Christ tells us that each one of us has an influence upon the quality of this Kingdom.
As Mary says, let me magnify the greatness of the Lord. Then i ask myself: How hard am i working to reflect the Lord's greatness in this, our Kingdom?

Some days i see God everywhere and thank him. Some days i forget. On these days i later know that i have been lost in my Self, distracted. And when i settle back into the Wisdom of His presence, i am at peace and thank him again. And i am present for others, able to extend a charitable hand, and thank him once more.

Oremus:
I would like to pray for the elderly, especially those who have lived beyond the lifespan of their children, family and friends. May they approach each morning with renewd strength to carry on for themselves and for those around them. May they know joy living and share the wisdom of a long life. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Closed Door Policy?

From today's gospel reading i understand that the foolish will miss the boat, so to speak. The door will be closed and God will say that He does not know them.
Yet, a group of maidens goes out to wait upon him, some having the foresight to bring enough oil for their lamps, some not. I also wonder about these parables, when goodness, kindness and sharing with one's brothers and sisters seems to be the message, too. But no, today the wiser group declare that they will not share their oil. Nay, by sharing they run the risk of not having enough oil themselves. No, sorry, go buy your own oil (around midnight? Which merchant will be open for business?).

Might not the wise protect and instruct the foolish? Might not the bridegroom be more understanding and reward any effort to bring not only 5 virgins to the wedding feast, but 10? If this is supposed to be an instruction on wisdom, i probably would have questioned the Teacher. Am i not my brother's keeper? How can i leave him standing in the dark, behind a closed door, while inside others are feasting in the light of Love?

Oremus:
I'd like to pray for all those i meet on today's journey, that i might be welcoming, helpful and strong. That i be like the good Samaritan if need be, that i don't pass up the opportunity to aid another. Amen.

Deo gratias.

A New Song

Sing to the Lord a new song. (Ps 98:1)
I love that command. First of all that i am called to sing is amusing because i cannot sing. I've had objective feedback on it. Yet, despite the noise i produce, i am called to sing! I secretly always knew that beauty lies in the ear of the listener...

And that new song is Christ. Not the Christ of two thousand years ago, but the living Christ now. Salvation and grace are ours now if we ask. Sing that new song and be rewarded. Be that new song. Live out the words and share the tune. And if that song becomes old, sing another one. Basically, just keep singing!

How's that old song working out for you? Things going well with your life? If not, stop now and sing that new song. You might be surprised.

Oremus:
I'd like to offer a prayer to the two patients that attacked each other last night, that they might find peace in the hellish nightmare that is their daily life in psychosis. And a prayer to the care-givers who were caught in the middle. And for the police that had to come into action. I pray that they might all perform their jobs professionally and with compassion, that they see the aggression as a symptom of the patients' hopelessness, powerlessness and separation from us. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Craziness

Craziness!
I''m having a dinner and invite the usual group of friends or relatives. I might even invite the cute neighbours, the rich friends of friends or whomever else i wish to decorate the room with. My motives? Jesus suggests my motives are self-fulfilling. I expect something in return of equal or greater value; at least, it might be a future invitation. I play it safe.

And now i'm to invite the poor, the crippled, the lame and the blind to dinner, suggests Jesus, simply because they cannot return the favour. My modern cynicism (that's the frail ego crying out for protection, it's comfort zone threatened) warns me that such a dinner could be politically incorrect. How could i be so cruel to put those poor souls in such an awkward position? Again, i look to my own motivation. If my motivation is good, then why not?

I am not a rich man and the streets are not filled with the poor, crippled, lame and blind. National health-care ensures that all are cared for and fed. More or less. Obviously, not everyone is cared for at the same level. There are holes in the system, as there are in all human systems. Even though we are richer than ever, there are still poor people, crippled, lame and blind people. We encourage them to be as independent as they can: to give them dignity, we say, to 'take care of them' so that they aren't on the street begging for our charity. If our tax money has taken over this traditional role of saints and church, who do we invite that our charity might be rewarded by God? Ah, but it does not have to a dinner. Maybe it's helping someone in need cross a street? Signing 'hello' to a deaf man in a noisy crowd. Helping others, even if they can never repay one in kind ... because what could they possibly give us?

They help us by allowing us to help them. It's not so crazy after all.

Oremus:
I'd like to pray for a woman with a chronic mental illness, who is re-admitted each time she stops taking her medicine. Who among us wants to be chronically ill, to be daily confronted with the fact that we are not entirely 'normal'? And a prayer for patience, those who care for her directly and indirectly, that they may greet her always with enthusiasm, understanding, motivation and humility. Amen.

Deo gratias.

A Quiet Life

Sometimes an old song can suddenly mean more ... i hear David Sylvian singing 'Quiet Life'. What was a good song, now has a new meaning. I listen as if for the first time and smile.

All Saints.
All Souls.
There really is a lot of noise around me. I've ventured into quietness with meditation and it's more difficult than Noise, me thinks. In the absence of distraction, the mind turns upon itself. There are whispers, both familiar and dreaded. It is a desert journey from whence one does not come out unscathed. Yet, there is peace and wonder, beauty and such an awesome stillness. Once back in the Noise, one yearns to be there in a quiet life with God once again.

From a quiet life, a person might emerge transformed. Get behind me Satan. Fear left behind. Doubt conquered, at least for a little while. How to be quiet at all times, even in the pace of our demanding lives? To see now in all moments. To be silence, smothering the noise of one's own manic Self. Embracing, trusting, blessing, being truly present for all those whom we meet with the ease of a southern breeze. Worth the effort, me thinks.

Blessed are the saints, men and women who are our teachers, our role-models, our confessors and our heros in faith.

Oremus:
I'd like to offer a prayer for a depressed woman who tried to take her life today. The mental disease made this life not worth living. May God come to her. May her care-givers act in His name, hating the disease, showing compassion and understanding for a sister, mother, neighbour and friend. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Individualism is Boring

You have turned aside from the way,
and have caused many to falter by your instruction. (Mal 2:8)

In classic Old Testament style Malachi tells his brethren that God is pissed off at many of his chosen peoples. To publicly reserve one's finest sacrificial ram for God, then show up at the blood altar with a lesser one ... who's trying to fool whom? The adage 'to bite one's nose to spite one's face' applies here, me thinks. There is no fooling God. Deceiving others might make one rich or extend power or fame, but at what cost? The prophet tells us that we are not the only ones hurt. Causing others to falter is even more reprehensible, like a teacher, father, friend who lives a life not worthy of example, corrupt and infectious, they are completely lost and find themselves leading others down the verysame path. Reading Malachi one gets the impression that Israel has missed the point of God's Law.

One's priorities are wrong.

It's not about the grandeur of one's clothes or one's rank in the community. Funny, even common sense tells us these goals in life are shallow and if taken to the extreme ruinous. So God comes to man once again to reiterate His message, give it a more personal touch through the Christ.

The greatest among you must be your servant.
Whoever exalts himself will be humbled;
but whoever humbles himself will be exalted. (Mt 23:11-12)

Not an appealing message to those in designer clothing with front row seats.

But then, on the road they travel, a road which leads to personal gain, separation and the growth of ego, a road leading away from God, from unity with all mankind, on this road there shall be much suffering. Yet funny enough, for people raised in a capitalistic, Western, individualistic, goal-driven, rat race, cut-throat, what-have-you environment, Christ's message will cause much suffering too! Give up my seat at the front? Do you know how much i had to pay for it? Do you know how many strings i had to pull? How many favours called in? The little, fearful ego needs to be first in line, but Christ's message goes against that, entirely in the opposite direction. Yet acting in this way, in humbleness, the suffering is fleeting and short-lived because the rewards are immediate and bring one closer to God, closer to one's neighbour, friend, father. And once felt, it can never be forgotten. Only refused.

Oremus:
I offer a prayer to a patient who was extremely ill, got better and is now again extremely ill. The hospital team has done as best it can. Acceptance and patience is called for once again. What hope that was found has now been replaced by much grief. One feels so powerless as the human mind deteriorates beyond one's understanding. The patient has transformed into someone else: unrecognisable behaviour, she is lost somewhere to us. I pray she knows peace. I pray too, that all those involved in her care can find inner peace and patience, that despite the mental illness we can still see the mother she was and the human being she still is. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Anger

One of those tough afternoons alone.
Doubt gives deceptive comfort.
And then i thought about anger.

I always wondered how the Son of God could get angry. Angry enough to storm into the Temple and overturn tables, stalls, flipping money all over the place and shouting, insulting and accusing men. Middle Eastern men, who i still find have quite a temprament ... to put it mildly.

Jesus did.

Like all great teachers who lead us when we need leading, they trust us. Always. Never giving up that trust that is love. These teachers know us better than we know ourselves. They look right through whatever game we having going on and smile. They know and still they are willing to teach us.

Jesus is.

So back to the temple, the riot that results from one man's actions. One teacher's actions. If a gentle man in robes and some very nice talk about peace, etcetera, were to stroll into the temple yard and begin upsetting businesses, Sanctified and Holy businesses, how would they react? Dumbfounded? Annoyed? A mad man: best just let him get along with is illness until the police arrive. Would they be open to this gentle man's words?
But come in angery. Outrage and conviction. Raising his voice even above the outrage and conviction of those Middle Eastern men. That would take a lot of volume. And unwaivering certainty. Power. Command. What teacher does not use all the tools he has to get his point across? The lesson shall be taught, but not from a scroll, but in anger! What student did not get angry too? At accusation, punishment and pointing out an impossible error! So unfair.

And later the shame. And the knowledge. And the growth.

I smile. Good work, teacher.

Deo gratias.

Blessed

Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domine, Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord (Lk 13:35). Jesus says we will not see him until we can say this. Until then, our house will be abandoned. Frightful stuff, me thinks. Who wants to live in an abandoned house?

But if i can get down off my self-involved high horse and truly see Christ in all humanity, see the light of Life emanating from their person, whether friend, stranger or enemy, and extend to them a helping hand, say a kind word, be there for a fellow human even if i might feel unwelcomed, unwanted, uncomfortable, even then, i shall know Christ is present. The Lord is present, indeed always present. And without expecting rewards, my reward shall be a blessing. Let my house become a home.

Oremus:
I would like to offer a prayer, perhaps a pithy prayer, to those whom i feel have wronged me in traffic. Lord, they do not know what they have done, lost as they are in their own cocoons of self-interest, egoism, stress and anger. But so too is my prayer for my own unworthy reaction, that i not accept their unwanted gift of anger, stress, egoism and retreat into my own self-interest. Like an infection anger spreads. I say no thank-you to their gift. I let it go and I forgive them and remain calm, full of hope that they might realise the high cost of their own behaviour. Bless them Lord. Amen.

Deo gratias.  

The Last comes First

Expectations. We all suffer from them. Jesus tells us in so many words that we would be better off without expectations: just do one's best to love God and neighbour and leave the rewards to the Lord. A slap in the face to those who think their righteousness shall pay off. A kick in the shins to those who fully expect rewards based on their own perfect behaviour. We think we're doing well and then someone else points out our faults? So much heavy emotion that leads us to censorship, anger and violence, bold acts of human weakness, pettiness and misunderstanding, we expect so much of ourselves.

Though we expect to come in first, we might be last. Though we expect to come in last, we might very well be last. Or not. An expectation is like a free ticket. What do we do with a free ticket? Pride and self-righteousness. Laziness and carelessness. I think Jesus' message is 'be aware'. Be aware of pride, of one's each thought, word and deed and its affect on others, of God's laws, of one's own motivations. There is so much to be aware of that we can be blinded by expectations. And having worked hard (and you know when you've done it), you might even be surprised by the rewards.

Oremus:
I'd like to pray for those elderly who live in isolation. Among us, many are not seen, not greeted, not acknowledged as they eek out a living on meager pensions and savings. They find little support from governments who have other more important agendas than to give comfort the elderly: we, the voters, have put these politicians in power, so we too, must feel some responsibility to cutbacks on senior social services. Alone, they suffer. Alone, we would all suffer, but our ego cannot place us in their shoes because we imagine that such a life of hopelessness, waiting to die, burdened by health problems, this could never happen to us. Isolation kills. Humanity needs each other. I pray that i can at least forget myself and reach out more to those elderly around me, to say 'hello' and smile and offer a helping hand if need be. Amen.

Deo gratias.

The Kingdom of Heaven

What is the Kingdom of Heaven like?
It transforms the small into the great. It makes the seemingly insignificant indispensible. A joy, delicious, Heaven is all things in this material life upon which we trust: shade from an indifferent sun and our daily bread.

Of course, human language is not able to describe that which the mind cannot know. The Buddha described 'heaven' and 'God' as something that must be individually experienced to know, and having been there, no description with words from a mortal can translate it. It must be known. But so few make the sustained effort to approach the only worthwhile goal in a man's existence.

Can we know Heaven?

Perhaps, perhaps not. But simply and earnestly working for a heaven on Earth, like a simple seed that grows to provide shelter for many beings, is worthwhile. Or transforming what is inedible into the delicious and nutritious food that can feed many beings, is worthwhile. By selflessly helping others, again and again and again, we can get closer to God. And by getting closer, we might even get a glimpse of Heaven.

Oremus:
I'd like to pray today for a psychiatric patient who has lost the way once again: the sickness possesses her reason, her ability to care for herself, drives her into extreme selfishness, rage, she is not the person she once was. I pray for her recovery, for her doctors and care-givers, that her demon shall be driven away. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Personal Struggle

St. Paul says to the Romans (7:18):
For I do not do the good I want,
but I do the evil I do not want.

An internal struggle for control. Why bother, one might think. Get up in the morning, do the daily routine, have a laugh if possible and to bed. In this manner we can pass many milestones without really giving life any thought. Why think about life? Just do it. Does it all have to be so complicated?

But when i look at the world, however perfect i choose to see it, there is much of mankind's influence that isn't perfect. Surrendering, protesting, seeking revenge, ignoring the bad, feeding the self with comfort food and televison and/or pretending that it's all more or less fine, can get people through the day. I call that delusional. Selfish, too. If i can be a better man, better for my neighbours, better to the planet, why shouldn't i be? It is a choice.

An active choice, but not an easy one.

St. Paul struggles for control. He says it is worthwhile. An animal lives off its instincts. A man has reason. And illuminating us, Jesus is the greatest teacher, showing mankind the Way, how to life a fully human life on Earth. It wasn't easy: his human suffering and crucifixtion at the hand of one's brothers. But worthwhile! St. Paul says we will make many mistakes, but through perserverence and the grace of God, a good life is fully within our powers if we apply them to our daily life, moment to moment. Good news, no? Reason enough to learn from one's mistakes and motivating one to push beyond the lowest common denominator of modern society.

Deo gratias.

Acts of Faith in a Material World

Asperges me hysopo, et mundabor: lavabis me, et super nivem dealbabor.
(Thou shalt purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: Thou shalt wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow)

Today St. Paul invites us to imitate him, and thus, to imiate Christ. To imitate not in faith, but in acts. Only through one's acts in this material world can we be seen for who we are. One might believe what he choses, but i cannot see what you believe. Be not hearers, but doers, says St. James, do not look into a mirror to know yourself, rather, look at the Truth in Chirst, His law, the law of liberty, and be not hearers who forget, but doers who create wonderful things on Earth, the fruit of love, compassion, joy and harmony (Jms 1:17-25). Thus, if our minds are occupied with earthly things, hungers, lusts, selfish needs, then how can our faith be strong? We are distracted. We shall always gaze at greener pastures with want or anger and not see our neighbours, not raise our eyes to the Eternal. We shall always be grubbing in the muck hoping for more, grumbling about the weight others have us bare, plotting our next revenge, fearful of pain and earthy suffering because it all seems so real.

St. James warns us of our own Self-ish desires. Ego whispers its needs. The Self that ego has invested so much into lures and entices: i need that, i am wanting and deserve this, i come before those others because i am bigger, richer, more famous, more powerful, etc. St. James states clearly that giving into this desire creates sin. Action, reaction. We create in thought, word and deed. If our motive is greed, we become greedy. If our motive is lust, we create more lust and desire and it becomes part of us. Sin? We create distance from the Truth that is God. St. James evens states that upon repetition, when we come to own this desire and its satiation, we give birth to death. A light goes out. Our distance from the Truth is far and we come to spend the rest of our time on Earth feeding our own desire (Jms 1:12-16)

In short, we are lost in ourselves or egoism. The result? Easy to see; just look around you on any city street.

Whoever loves his life, loses it, says Jesus. If one loves this world and one's Self with so much clinging, how can you let go when death comes? All life on Earth ends; what is born shall die. Buddha said this world is an illusion. Christ says 'whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life'; seeing through the illusion and truly understanding what it means to live in this material world, one can know a glimmer of the truth that comes after death, me thinks. All mortal flesh returns to the cycle of life and death, compost, the eco-system that is tied to this world. But there is more!

Listen and act, not selfishly, but in imitation of those who have produced God's fruit. And like a worthy apprentice journeyman working under a Master (yes, with perserverence i too will find feet upon which to stand on my own like a great Tree of Life for those around me): I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth (Ps 34:1)

Magnificat anima mea Dominum
(Magnify the Lord with me, the Magnificat, Ps 34:3)

Deo gratias

On Inspiration and Motivation

When they take you before synagogues and before rulers and authorities,
do not worry about how or what your defense will be
or about what you are to say.
For the Holy Spirit will teach you at that moment what you should say (Lk 12:11-12)

If i speak not with ego, with selfishness, then the heart's door is open and the right word and the right time can be uttered. Thinking would be useful, but i am wary of too much thought, from whence doubt creeps into my life. And if i am not calm, rested, centered with mindfulness on my actions, then in the chaos of my mind, how can the Holy Ghost inspire my tongue? Perhaps it is wiser to hold my tongue, give attention to emotions that flood the body and to remain still, untroubled, filled with love despite what conditioning (and or instinct) would have me do ... to my later regret and shame. If my motivation was pure, then with a focused mind and still heart, i can practise what the Holy Ghost teaches.

As an aside, much of what i would like to share on these pages i hope to be inspired by the Holy Ghost working through me. Is that to be believed in today's cynical and critical world? Again, the answer lies partly with motivation.

Deo gratias.

Politically Correct

"Teacher, by saying this you are insulting us too." (Lk 11:45)

To be insulted by another man, albeit God, in your own house or in public. And not only once, but routinely insulted: "Woe to you!", ignoring traditions in Law such as dietary or hygienic rules as a dinner guest. A mad man? Defiant and rebellious? Today we have the protection of state and law, but even so at the least a black eye might be the result of our perceived insult.

But could Christ or St. Paul reveal God's new covenant in no other way? "You, O man, are without excuse, every one of you who passes judgment" (Rom 2:1), St. Paul tells the Romans. The Dutch have an expression that tall trees gather the most wind, which implies the same as 'the bigger they are, the harder they fall'. Couldn't the message be circulated with more political correctness? Perhaps less accusational and more therapeutic, sensitive, humble, taught silently through example, etc? The Buddha taught some very unappealing lessons and did so for many, many years. He taught by personal example. If he did not like a gift (anger), he did not accept it. To me, anger is fear and loss of control. Sow anger and insult and reap anger and revenge, no? In the East, anger is something not publicly displayed as it is seen as a weakness and inappropriate. In the West, anger is rife. Throughout the Bible, old and new, there is anger, wrath, open threats of punishment to hostile crowds, nations put to the sword, etc. It makes me think that public stoning must have been as common as drawing water from the well under that Middle Eastern midday sun.

Sometimes a father must punish his children, even if his anger is more show than real. And then, the anger may only be the regret that in his role he is forced to hurt the ones he loves; just punishment for misbehaviour. The father usually has a long term view; the child, short term. In this, i would say that the Christ would have the long term view for his Father's children.

Yet, Jesus' earthly life ends with torture, public humiliation and Crucifixion. Standing among the wild crowds along the via Dolorosa, one would think that rabbi certainly didn't win many friends. In some ways he was like the Pharisees that he accuses in today's reading as being so rigid with their Laws. Jesus is just as uncompromising with his new Law, his Gospel, the need to pay "attention to judgment and to love for God". As for being politically correct, that might be the Pharisees, those in power, those who need not lift their fingers to help, those who would cast the first stone if the Laws they so officiously upheld in the public eye were to be transgressed.

Is that the danger of being politically correct? By doing as one is told by those in power, one is kept safe? Perhaps then the message is to not be politically correct. To not care about what others think of you, how they judge you, especially when the Lord is on your side [but then, don't both sides of the battlefield claim God is on their side]. A slippery slope, me thinks, and one that will include many black eyes, death threats and prison sentences, just like St. Paul experienced.

But when do i leave my comfort zone to insult my host if i think my truth shall set him free? Perhaps the Holy Ghost will let me know...

Deo gratias.

The Great Illusion

From today's reading i am reminded of the Banishment, our exile from Paradise. Some translate this Bible tale as a great lapse in memory, a mental separation from God. What have we forgotten? Our Home, our true place at the foot of Creation, fully aware of All There Is. Now separated from the Divine Presence, we walk in forgetfulness, in the darkness of our own little Self who works so very hard to find meaning for its own existence.

To the lost ego, the Self is all it knows. This world is all there is, great, nasty, wild and dangerous. It is alone. We raise kings and armies only to fight, scheme and kill for our survival. Like animals, we feed, breed and run from all we fear. In our ignorance and through our selfish acts, we have been literally 'handed over' to the material world.

We have forgotten who we truly are.

St. Paul reminds us of this:
Instead, they became vain in their reasoning,
and their senseless minds were darkened.
While claiming to be wise, they became fools
and exchanged the glory of the immortal God
for the likeness of an image of mortal man
or of birds or of four-legged animals or of snakes.

Therefore, God handed them over to impurity
through the lusts of their hearts
for the mutual degradation of their bodies.
They exchanged the truth of God for a lie
and revered and worshiped the creature rather than the creator,
who is blessed forever. (Rom 1:21-25)

What follows in this epistle is a litany of sins, such as "wickedness, evil, greed, and malice; full of envy, murder, rivalry, treachery, and spite" (Rom 1:29).

I like to define 'sin' as an act that keeps one separate from God. Jesus comes to remind us of the grace and mercy that has always tied us to the Father, yet it is our own ignorance, our own selfish choices that keep us in the dark wandering of our own chosen exile. Hell is simply a life of separation from the Divine, me thinks. In forgetting our true nature as God's image, wars soak the earth with blood, greed creates poverty, the individual's clinging need to protect and nurture its Self is not divine, is not God, is not Life as it was meant for us and can be, as demonstrated by the Christ.

"The one who is righteous by faith will live" (Rom 1:17), says St. Paul. As i understand this, the one who acts in accord to faith, as presented to us by the Lord, can limit sins and so, will live. Through knowledge of the gospels and awareness in one's choices guilt does not have to be carrying throughout one's days. It seems that sin and guilt are constructs of this lesser life lead by our selfishness; separation from God leaves little room for righteousness and faith becomes an illusion.

Banished from Paradise? We simply made ourselves gods and forgot it.

The wonderful thing is, the more i work for mindful choices, righteous acts and opening my heart to faith, that Self, my own ego, becomes smaller, if not pathetic and ridiculous when compared to all that is Divinity around me. Truly, as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, a life in Paradise is now if we choose it. The gates where never closed.

Deo gratias.

Do the Right Thing

Do the Right Thing. A little phrase with such potency and responsibility: Always do the right thing, i remember from a movie of the same name.

But we don't have a script to follow or strings that puppet us through our day. Today the invitations are out for a great feast of our Lord and we are welcome! To attend all i have to do is say 'yes', get my life in order so that my 'suit' will be grandly presentable and select a worthy gift for my Maker, His son my Saviour, King, Counsellor, the Lamb who gave his earthy life up on the Cross for all our sins.

I have a million and one excuses for not attending, the first being that i'm not worthy. Still, i have an invitation. There are so many things in life that i am invited to do, yet shrink back from. No interest, no time, no effort to be found, other priorities or responsibilities, distractions, indeed, a million and one excuses i have.

But to attend would be magnificent, me thinks? The ego cries out again and again and again because to accept such an invitation might risk all that it has worked for, namely, that big Me, the centre of its world. Yet, to not accept is to deny the Holy Ghost by putting the greatness of my own Self first: pride.

By accepting that i'm not worthy and thereby not accepting the personal invitation, i've put my own interests first. I've allowed my fearful little ego to pull my strings. It's cold and wet outside, so i'd rather sit on the couch, warm and dry; if i go out i might get wet, catch a cold; i certainly wont enjoy it; actually, it's pointless; i don't have a gift; i'll do it another time when conditions are more suitable, less discomforting to me; i can achieve the same, if not more, pleasure here on the couch anyway.

Anyone recognise this script?

The great feast will come and go without my attendance, for with the self-involved little voice at the helm, there will never be another, more convenient moment. Invitations will pile up under the doormat. Soon, they will not even be noticed, tossed out with the junk mail.

And there shall be much wailing and grinding of teeth.

Oh, and make sure you have your wedding garment always close at hand and ready to put on at a moment's notice: that would be another tiresome task the ego might be less that enthusiastic to maintain daily, moment to moment, throughout our lives. And if the buttons are getting dull, the lace dusty or the velvet moth-eaten ... and that couch is looking better and better ... speak the words aloud: Do the Right Thing.

Deo gratias.

The Gay Family

Not 'marriage' or 'family' as the term has been used/misused for generations, rather a bond between two human beings. For me, the Pope states clearly that a bond and commitment made in love is worthwhile.

Marriage as Instrument of Salvation: God's gift to us of marriage and family life enables us to experience something of the infinite love that unites the three divine persons: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Human beings, made in the image and likeness of God, are made for love; indeed at the core of our being, we long to love and to be loved in return. Marriage is truly an instrument of salvation, not only for married people but for the whole of society. Like any truly worthwhile goal, it places demands upon us, it calls us to be prepared to sacrifice our own interests for the good of the other. It requires us to exercise tolerance and to offer forgiveness. It invites us to nurture and protect the gift of new life .... I encourage all of you in your efforts to promote a proper understanding and appreciation of the inestimable good that marriage and family life offer to human society.

General Address, May 5, 2010 (from The Virtues, Pope Benedict XVI)

Though he may not agree, and suggest that my reading of his words are not 'proper', i have to fully agree with everything Benedict says. Though not married, in my thoughts, words and actions i approach my relationship in the verysame way. Who would begrudge a human being and human society committing, sustaining and knowing this very love for which we have been created?

I'll not cast the first stone.

Deo gratias.

Persistence in Asking, Knocking and Seeking

Persistence.

And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened (Lk 11:9-10).

Seems like i have been asking all my life; i have received much, but perhaps i was not asking the right questions or i was not listening because the answer was not one i was ready to accept.

Seems like i have been seeking all my life; i have found great and wondrous things, but still find myself seeking. In pride i might say i am persistent, but i know better. Never content? Hunting the new? In a time and place of such great wealth and comfort, my seeking has become self-interested, like the Buddhist's hungry ghost who is fat with greed but with such a small mouth that he can never satiate his hunger.

Seems like i have been knocking all my life, but truly, on the wrong doors.

In pride i might say i am persistent, yet i know better to accept snakes and scorpions from the wicked and insolent. There have been many doors which have allowed me to rest under rich fruit trees on the banks of glorious rivers. I have found enough to inspire me and keep me asking questions ... hopefully, the right questions.

How much more will the Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him? (Lk 11:13) I do not presume to know what the Lord shall give, but age has humbled me. When someone knocks on my door, i will try with mindfulness and faith to open the door and greet my guest with the same smile as i would the Lord Himself (Blessed is the servant of the Lord St. Alphonsus Rodriguez!)

Deo gratias.

Little True Need

There is need of few things, saith the Lord in yesterday's reading (Lk 10:43) on the feast of St. Francis of Assisi. "To need" is often used in English to mean 'desire', but seems to mean more to want, to be without something. In the West we need so much: a new dress, a new car, the latest iPod, more attention, better this, more of that. Our needs seem to define our culture ... but the joke is on us. Our world becomes one of need, thus we are literally always in a state of craving, grabbing, chasing and consuming without ever being truly satiated.

But we actually need so little. I'm a fan of St. Francis, who defied family, culture and personal comfort (whether crazy or not) and chose for a basic, no-frills life in communion with God. He chose a life of material poverty over spritual richness. Poor?

We need so little. Christ reminds us of what is truly important to life of faith and hope and charity. And men like St. Francis lived this life free of want, being grateful for always having enough and no more.

Deo gratias.

Forgiveness, Guilt and Free Will

An Israeli friend comments on guilt: One has to have a little. You get used to it after a time.
Another friend: No, i don't like feeling guilt [so i try to avoid the feeling by trying not to do that which gives me guilt, a.k.a. sin].
Israeli: It's part of life.
Me: That's a danger, accepting and getting used to guilt. Like anything else, with time and repetion you'll feel it less. It might even take more unhelpful behaviour to actually to notice that 'guilty feeling' again. One doesn't have to just live with it, me thinks.

At this point i think i lost him. But i continue: Wouldn't it be better to avoid the bad feelings of guilt by simply checking your behaviour? Become aware that the fire is hot and avoid burning yourself: Not sinning? No guilt. And if it is, as you say, part of life, then couldn't you choose to walk a path to minimalise it? To walk in awareness of your choices, avoiding the words and acts that cause the feelings of guilt?

Half my audience was lost.

The other smiles.

Free will means free to choose and accepting the consequences of one's choices: only children and the mad are excepted by this society. To continually choose what is not perhaps in one's best interests and live with the consequences day in and day out, seems an unnecessary burden. To surrender and accept the burden and its harvest of guilt as simply a part of life we all share, seems mad to me! At least, it seems worthy of serious introspection. No ... Whether accepted cultural histories or lazy resignation or fear of change, we can change. The power to choose is free. Forgiveness can remove the yolk of our past. Grace can allow us to shine anew. Love can pick us up after we have fallen down, again and again and again if necessary. Contrite. Repentant. Resolute. Accepting guilt as a part of life? I believe that all the choices we make in a lifetime define us. Getting used to guilt? Good news! At each moment we are welcome to start anew, through God's love.

Deo gratias.

Willing to Change

Today's gospel reading hit home:

Jesus said to the chief priests and elders of the people:
"What is your opinion?
A man had two sons.
He came to the first and said,
'Son, go out and work in the vineyard today.'
He said in reply, 'I will not, '
but afterwards changed his mind and went.
The man came to the other son and gave the same order.
He said in reply, 'Yes, sir, 'but did not go.
Which of the two did his father's will?" (Mt 21:28-32)

I am the son that never truly denied his Father, but, i confess, wasn't up to doing all that He suggested. Angry teen? Distracted youth? Self-involved adult unable to follow the herd without lies, deceit and rage? The paths i chose would lead me to my own peace of mind, or so i thought. However, these alternatives were not something i could wholly buy into; faith and hope and charity remained an unattainable reality.
Until i discovered my own capacity to love and allowing myself to be loved. I nurtured this, because of all the noise around me, this rang true. This verysame vibration of Truth has lead me thus far and i hope closer to the Trinity.
I read a homily on the gospel readings for today and feel encouraged. I'd like to share it:

"The person, of course, who best exemplifies such a self-giving value system is Jesus. His lifestyle was the exact opposite of solipsism [self-worship]. Instead of making himself the norm, Jesus "emptied himself, taking the form of a slave ... He humbled himself, becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." That's the attitude - the value system - of Christ Jesus.
The gospel Jesus presumes the conversion to such an outgoing frame of mind doesn't happen instantly, nor does it develop without lots of relapses. That seems to be why he has no problem associating with sinners. They seem to be the one group most willing to change and convert. Like the first son, they think over their original refusal to do the father's will. Jesus holds out hope that they, unlike the "good folk," will eventually convert enough to enter "the kingdom of God:" to experience God working in everything they do."
(Homily 25/09/11)

Or as the Pope in his own homily interprets:
"... agnostics, who are constantly exercised by the question of God, those who long for a pure heart but suffer on account of our sin, are closer to the Kingdom of God than believers whose life of faith is “routine” and who regard the Church merely as an institution, without letting their hearts be touched by faith." (BenedictXVI homily 25/09/11)

While i might not be an agnostic, i have sinned ... and i certainly have been longing for God's grace for a very, very long time.

Deo gratias.

Intercessions?

Pope Benedict on St. Mary at Etselbach:
By her motherly love she cares for her son’s sisters and brothers who still journey on earth surrounded by dangers and difficulties, until they are led into their blessed home” (Lumen Gentium, 62). Yes indeed, in life we pass through high-points and low-points, but Mary intercedes for us with her Son and conveys to us the strength of divine love. Pope's comment

If i can directly pray to the Father or the Son (who are One in the Trinity), why would i pray to St. Mary for intercessions, to be my advocate before God? My mind wanders: i've prayed all week and still haven't seen any improvement to my situation, so i'll pray to Mary and hope she puts a good word in for me. 'Oh, OK then, I'll answer his prayer,' sighs God.

I don't mean to disrespect the Holy Mother. There is comfort and wisdom to be sought in her compassion.

With a mother’s tenderness, she wants to make us understand that our whole life should be a response to the love of our God, who is so rich in mercy. Pope's comment

I know that seldom a day goes by that my own mother doesn't think about her children. She always worries about them and hopes they have a good life. She is my own tangible example and precedent of unconditional love. And just as i am so loved by Jesus, my daily challenge is to return this love to family, friends and strangers all. Personally, i won't be asking for Her intercession, but rather strength and patience, fortitude and grace in my daily response to the love of our God.

How do I receive the grace of God?

The Pope is in Germany, in one of the many areas lost during the Reformation. We all know the tale of saying 'no' to indulgences and the financing of Rome's bigger and better spledours. Papal armies? International political intrigues? One Book and prayer did indeed seem enough, me thinks. 'Faith alone', said Martin Luther.

I enjoyed what the Pope said to his countrymen about his countryman:
What constantly exercised him was the question of God, the deep passion and driving force of his whole life’s journey. “How do I receive the grace of God?”: this question struck him in the heart and lay at the foundation of all his theological searching and inner struggle. For him theology was no mere academic pursuit, but the struggle for oneself, which in turn was a struggle for and with God. Pope's Erfurt address

Find God and one shall find one's Self. Naturally, not without struggle, because that fearful and mistrusting 'me' will do its best to defend the world it has spent all its energies creating. Walls and weapons and castles in the air. But we know that we don't have to struggle alone. We let Him help.
For His help, we must be open and not busy with our own desires.
Open.
Open to Life, Creation and God's grace.
Perhaps living life as it is intended?

Deo gratias.

On Being Worthy of the Call

I, a prisoner for the Lord,
urge you to live in a manner worthy of the call you have received,
with all humility and gentleness, with patience,
bearing with one another through love,
striving to preserve the unity of the Spirit
through the bond of peace:
one Body and one Spirit,
as you were also called to the one hope of your call;
one Lord, one faith, one baptism;
one God and Father of all,
who is over all and through all and in all. (Eph 4:1-6)
On the feast of St. Matthew and the first day of my catechism demons plague me.

I am afraid i can never accept You fully, Lord of Hosts. I confess doubt and it hurts. I see the warm glow beckoning, just as i know Your voice, Your words and Your presence. Of me. In me. With me.
I know You are there.

Crowded, gathered in silence, You are at the front of the room. We seek your grace and glory.
You ask me, "Do you love me? Why don't you come closer? Come."
And i know i love You, yet still i shrink back.

So much to give up. Worldly loves lost. Comforts surrendered. Sins tolerated for another day. Such a change; can i please just abide in half-shadow? i murmur self-indulgently, recognising my own pride, my own fear. 'Come closer', i hear in prayer. I know i can, i know i may, and for that i weep. I know i can just walk right up into Your arms and be blessed, be Home.

I don't want to fail You. I am not worthy. Neither can i stand before so many others, nor, God forbid, take a seat at Your table.

But grace was given to each of us
according to the measure of Christ's gift.
And he gave some as Apostles, others as prophets,
others as evangelists, others as pastors and teachers,
to equip the holy ones for the work of ministry,
for building up the Body of Christ,
until we all attain to the unity of faith
and knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood,
to the extent of the full stature of Christ. (Eph 4:7-13)

Then doubt cowers.
I shall. I shall. I shall.
With Your grace, we sing.

And we are reminded that Matthew the tax-collector followed Your call.

"Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do.
Go and learn the meaning of the words,I desire mercy, not sacrifice.
I did not come to call the righteous but sinners." (Mt 9:12-13)
Deo gratias.

Contempt for the world?

Contemptus mundi or contempt for the world is not a contempt for Creation, but rather "a contempt for the false vision of the world that is presented to us" by greed.

The title's name comes from Ambrose Autpert, used in one of his treatise to describe the combat between vice and virtue. Worldiness and holiness. Autpert "insinuates that 'having' is the supreme value of our being, of our life in the world, and seems important". This greed seen clearly in the rich and powerful of society destroys and is the 'root of all evil'. The present Pope, who writes about this medieval author, states that it is our duty to combat greed, "to fight the desire to possess ... and the false concept of freedom as the faculty to dispose of all things as one pleases". Greed kills faith. Greed is possession. Greed is clinging to something material and putting a value on it.

"For we brought nothing into the world, just as we shall not be able to take anything out of it. If we have food and clothing, we shall be content with that. Those who want to be rich are falling into temptation and into a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires, which plunge them into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is the root of all evils, and some people in their desire for it have strayed from the faith and have pierced themselves with many pains." (1 Tim.6:7-10)

Contemptus mundi. I recognise Plato here too, his City of Pigs. And Buddha's dukkha: craving, attachment and suffering. And Mr. Scrooge in Dicken's A Christmas Carol. It seems that when one chooses greed above the True Reality of life (which is love) then evil climbs up on your back, weighs you down, haunts your dreams, befouls reason, distorts the ability to to see suffering in one's brother, undermines and infects faith and hope and charity.

Is the world an illusion? No, but the sensual pleasures sought and bought are as ephemeral as dreams. Let go of the world and gain the World.

Deo gratias. 

The Cross around the Neck

Triumph of the Holy Cross, a feast, reading the history of this holy day makes me consider the power of this instrument of death used upon non-Roman citizens: the pain, the humiliation in public, the suffering. And that God choose to accept this path to demonstrate His love, His grace, His mercy.

I wear a crucifix, under my shirt. I sometimes smile when i see others wearing one displayed; often it is rather large, me thinks. People with a message, i smile and i confess this smile is too often embarrassment.
Faith is something private, i was told. In the multicultural society, if we all ran around wearing our faith on our sleeves it would make for much conflict, i was told. It would attract much unwanted attention. What would be my motivation to wear such a device publicly displayed?

"Archbishop Smith said that although Sikhs and Muslims had successfully used the law to uphold a right to manifest their beliefs in such areas as religious attire and jewelry, Christians were denied the same right because the courts had decided that it was not essential to the practice of their faith.
“Why can’t Christians wear the symbol of the cross?” he asked in an interview with the American Catholic News Service.
“It is absolutely part of the Gospel,” he said. “Without the cross there is no salvation. It is at the heart of our faith because it is the symbol and sign of God’s unconditional love.” (http://www.catholicherald.co.uk/news/2011/09/09/judges-are-biased-against-christians-says-archbishop/

If one wears a cross and behaves badly in public, swearing, aggressive, what have you, i wince and am temped to say something. But i don't, because that would be like me pointing out the sliver of wood in another's eye and being blind to the beam in my own!

When one lights a candle one does not hide the light under the bed, but rather puts it where all can see. "No one who lights a lamp conceals it with a vesselor sets it under a bed; rather, he places it on a lampstand so that those who enter may see the light. (Lk 8:16-17)
Perhaps my public behaviour, my actions, need to speak louder than words, than signs and symbols?
Hidden under my shirt, close to my heart, my cross is an ever present reminder to think before acting, to be charitable and forgiving and to pray. If it is a yolk, then it is one i have gladly chosen to carry. Why would i worry about professing this faith in public?
Anyway, having a halo glowing around my head and i walked about would be far more embarrassing ...

Whisper from a Desert Father

Through 'self-transcendence' one can know the 'true life'. Sounds like Buddha, but it's the Pope commenting on the life of a desert father.

What is that 'self' that i need to leave behind?

I remember a dream in which the Lord called and i flew up to the heavens, yet suddenly i detached, i separated from an ugly, grief-wracked image of myself and soared up higher, leaving my Self behind. Christ beckoned. And the words said have always remained with me: And now that you know, what are you going to do about it?

John Climacus, desert father: Every type of behaviour must be subject to discernment; everything, in fact, depends on one's deepest motivations, which need to be closely examined.
The goal? Tranquility of the soul, he says, by means of which the soul may gaze upon the abyss of the divine mysteries.

Now that i know, what am i going to do about it? This epiphany happened many years ago. I am not now a desert father, nor a 'diligent pastor' watching over Christ's flock, proclaiming God's will to the leaders and ordinary folk, to the rich and the poor, in season and out of season (St. Boniface). I have been stumbling along for years, taking one step forwards to every three back, it seems.

But it is not in total darkness that i walk. There is light ahead, perhaps just enough to see the path from which i all too often wander. Thanks be to God that i can find my way back. Again and again and again. And as i grow older, that Self that had seemed so important, so needy, so arrogant, prideful, slothful, lusty, sometimes deceitful and often blind, now knows this ugly Self as an Earthly image. Made in God's divine image, i am torn, because in awareness i struggle to choose at every step. If i listen with discernment, i can hear reason reminding me of who i really am. If i listen with my faith, i can hear the Holy Spirit reminding me of who i really am. And the path if before me once again, illuminated.

When shall i weary of life's Earthy distractions? When shall i choose to apply earnest, moment to moment effort to my every action? Is the tranquility of my soul and enlightenment and a view of God's true face not a worthy goal for this lifetime?

The choice is mine, now.

It always was, is and shall be.

Deo gratias.

Children of Light

For all of you are children of the light and children of the day. We are not of the night or of darkness.
(I Thes 5:5)

So now i know.

And all that talk of ego, of the fearful Self building walls upon walls that separate me from my neighbour, from God, from my True self (of His Likeness). An image can only be made with light, not from darkness. Can it be that obvious?

And then once again that whisper: 'Now that you know this, what are you going to do?'

I can start by thanking God.