On Feeling Held Back

What holds me back in the service of God? The yolk of modern western life, a life seemingly free, a life bent on economic wealth and comfort, a life filled with distraction. Like any other age? Of course, we are no more special. Still, having wars fought in other lands, people starving in other regions, the paramount importance of entertainment (our heroes now from film and music), makes me want to cut through the layers of fat, as it were, to get to the meat of my question: what holds me back?

I know it's fear and doubt. In the service of God i know comfort, but i know fear and doubt, too. I try to let it go and sometimes i am light, cheerful, unburdened, but the weight comes back, often suddenly, more often creeping in slowly like a thief in the night.

Grace is here. Encouragement is here. Support is here. All i shall ever need is here for me, yet i resist. There is pain and suffering all around. Modern Valhalla? There is misery at our own doorstep, yet we are trained to see only that suffering on the other side of the planet. The State shall provide, that 's why taxes are paid, i hear so often. And the casualties of stress, perceived failure, substance abuse, debt and ego (full Selfishness)? Silently they suffer, as if it's part of life.
However, when i help others, when i commit myself to the service of others (in my line of work at a hospital this is daily) i truly reap what i sow. I offer support and encouragement, listening, sitting with those who suffer. Then i am closer to God. Fear vanishes. Doubt vanishes. Any confusion i had vanishes in the attention i give to another. How can i know it at one moment, yet find myself so burdened, listless and hesitant the next?

Vigilance, earnestness, perseverance, each day renewing promises and oaths, each moment aware of God's presence in my life, all our lives, seeing Him, acknowledging Him through prayer and thanks. Thus, the modern world's distractions become like rainclouds; interesting weather that might require a hat, but not tears. And the timeless cycle of mortal sufferings? Jesus had an answer for that too.

Oremus:
I pray for all of us who feel held back in their service of God, that we stop and consider what it is that holds us back and do something about it. I pray for the will, strength and motivation to reflect deeply on our personal obstacles. I pray that the Holy Ghost may inspire us in removing these hindrances. Today mine is a prayer of thanks. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Anger Now?

Whoever says he is in the light,
yet hates his brother, is still in the darkness.
Whoever loves his brother remains in the light,
and there is nothing in him to cause a fall.
Whoever hates his brother is in darkness;
he walks in darkness
and does not know where he is going
because the darkness has blinded his eyes (1 Jn 2:9-11)

Hate blinds. In hatred horrible acts are done to fellow humans, animals and Creation. I would like to round off this year by proclaiming Light and Love, yet i am often angry. Sometimes it surprises me, catches me off-guard. For instance, i see in the news that people (young men) attack ambulance, police and fire department personnel when they are busy trying to save lives. Attack these dedicated professionals? I just don't get it. The police carry arms so i'm surprised that a bullet in the leg wont solve the problem: it never does, only stoking the fires. Nurses under attack? There is enough insanity in the world not to have this behaviour dumped on top, me thinks in anger.

There it is. Anger. And i catch myself considering capital punishment, or at least a very good thrashing, publicly, teaching a lesson to his friends that encouraged him, his family that failed to teach him right and wrong, to a society that stands idle as its members behave like animals. And in my rage, i am no better. The only lesson taught by violence is violence and fear. Jesus instructed to forgive, understand and use peaceful means, regardless of the cost. It cost him his life, but even then we are taught not to fear or abandon the hope that we too, can live just as he lived. As John says in this very same letter: Whoever says, "I know him," but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him (1 Jn 2:4). I recognise my anger and am shamed. I know better. Yet, from where does this anger come?

Fear, self-doubt, self-loathing and disappointment ... these are all fertile emotional sewers for anger and loss of control. Awareness of anger is the first and most important step. Only when anger is recognised is there a chance that it can be nipped at the bud, named, its true face seen, greeted and dismissed. John tells us that we must love our brother to remain in the light and avoid darkness. As this year ends, i still have a lot to learn and practise, if God will be my guide.

Oremus:
I pray for less anger and more compassion, less violence and more caring. I pray that those who are caught up in anger can be gently and firmly re-minded, for they are not themselves. I pray that those who notice their anger rising can be aware of the fiery passion that does such great harm to all including the owner and in awareness can release it like a great exhalation into the ether. I pray that those who have offered themselves to helping their brothers and sisters can do so safely and appreciatively. Amen.

Deo gratias.

Christmas: Heaven on Earth

O Christian, remember your dignity, and now that you share in God’s own nature, do not return by sin to your former base condition. Bear in mind who is your head and of whose body you are a member. Do not forget that you have been rescued from the power of darkness and brought into the light of God’s kingdom. (St. Leo the Great)

In the tender compassion of our God
the dawn from on high shall break upon us,
to shine on those who dwell in darkness and the shadow of death,
and to guide our feet into the way of peace. (Lk 1:78-79)

Today John talks of Light entering the world through the Word made flesh. As a man, God shows us how to live a life of peace and love. And me, standing off to the side of these great events, separated by centuries, separated by doubt, fear and weakness, do i recognise the voice calling me home? I suspect the truth of it, as St. Leo states, sharing in God's own nature. Consciousness is a gift, a singularity on this world that i seem to waste through distractions. Yet, at in rare moments of lucid calmness, when awareness of life floods me, there is light and love, a logic that resonates and a certainty that 'all is as it should be'. Fear melts. Doubt never was. There is a powerful focus and a lightness which puts me at ease. I return the smile. I know.

And then it is gone, the calmness and awareness, the certainty and effortless smile. I do not call it 'sin', rather, distraction; not a Fall, rather a stumble ... often with a painfully stubbed toe.

John tells us that grace and truth come from the Christ. It is now dawn, Christmas morning. Today i shall celebrate the birth of the Christ. Today is as good a day as any other to use the Saviour's loving grace to maintain my balance here on Earth. To be aware of Light's presence. To be conscious of each and every step on the way to peace. To not forget my duty to be fully human, sharing in God's own nature. It is as simple as Jesus demonstrated in utter humbleness, servant of servants, poor, meek and filled with life even in death. I renew my bond with you, again and again and again, praying that each time i stumble for whatever reason, my contrition and the grace of God can guide me back out of the shadows and darkness in the Light of eternal caritas.

Oremus:
I pray for all those who are lost in survival, lost in self-preservation and lost to materialism, that they might stop for a moment and see beyond their truth to the expanse of a greater Truth that embraces life. I pray that there will be Light to lead us up out of our cave. And i pray for the determination against fear and clearness of mind against doubt to keep us from crawling back in. I pray that humanity can help each other sustain the Lord's love and grace among ourselves and truly make Heaven on Earth. Amen.

Deo gratias.